I'm coming back to the blog, having not updated in quite a while... well thats not strictly true. I have updated, i just haven't posted those updates.
The reason for not posting those updates... well there's a few, but the main one I realise, is I have not been writing in my journal.
The updates I have written do not get posted as they do not seem to hold true when I return to them. What I may have written in the morning, when I read again later, may not be strictly true or still hold up. I now realise that these parts of my updates were what went in to my journal and the posts i have written have become more like my journal than my blog. The small more personal details, the details that niggle at my brain like little fish nibbling rocks, the parts that I would feel mean posting, if the people they were about were ever to read them (apologies and explanations should be done in person, not hidden in a blog and hoped they will be read by those people). All those thoughts and feelings went in my journal, but now find themselves poured in to my blog.
I also realise my journal added a small form of structure to my life, some routine. Each day I would get up, while having breakfast I would check my mails, then spend some time writing in my journal before I start my day.
This small routine used to really help the rest of the day unfold in a more organised and relaxed manner, something, again, I have lost.
And so, I will start writing in my journal again and I will start updating the blog again. Things have taken a turn for the worse again in the last few months, although the circumstances now are different to what they were earlier this year, a similar process is needed to get me back on track I feel.
Though all my, quite frankly, false enlightenment and optimism from the beginning of the year has faded, I feel my outlook at this point is far more realistic than it ever has been. Although I am still sad at the things I have lost, the things I have discarded and mistreated, the time I have wasted. Although I am still scared and lonely, longing for a life I once had, I do see that I will have that again. In time, I will achieve and have those things I want, and more importantly, need. For the most part, I will be happy again.
Part of reaching that point, is to keep the routine I found, is to update my journal and my blog. It is to keep pushing, keep achieving, it's working toward those goals I have, staying true to myself and others. It is sculpting the life I want, need and most importantly deserve. Regardless of past indiscretions and mistakes, no matter how bad or severe they were, it is important to remember i do deserve the life I want, but not at the expense of others. Maybe thats why i have not achieved it to this point.
And there lies another good reason to update both the blog and journal, it's the realisations i have while I write.
So, I will leave this post here, the start of another new chapter in both my life and blog.
Turning the page always feels good.
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." - Louis L'Armour