There is a lot that needs saying, a lot I want to say, but I want to get it right and do not want to rush a post. I do not want to say things, express things, release thoughts in to the world that are not strictly true, that do not honestly represent how I feel or where I am.
I have found, being back for this short period, that this place has a strange effect on me. Can warp my perspective, change my emotions, feelings or positively in an instant. Which although on the surface is bad, does have one positive side to it, it has helped me realise a large part of the problems I suffered prior to February 4th 2009.
This inner peace i have found is fragile, delicate, as I described it yesterday, its like a small candle in a large dark room. The life i have come back to is like a thousand people hiding in the shadows of that dark room, all trying to extinguish that candle, blow out that small fragile flame of hope, contentment and happiness. While here, I feel like I am constantly trying to protect that flame from being extinguished, constantly on edge, constant trying to guard the that tiny ray of light against a life, an existence, desperate to extinguish it and send me back in to the darkness of before.
So long as I can guard that small flame, protect it from those breaths in the dark, that small flame will light a bigger candle, which will light a small fire and in time this flame of happiness, this tiny fragile flame of contentment and peace will ignite an inferno, almost impossible to extinguish.
At that point I can return to my old life, happy in the knowledge that the large shadow filled room no longer exists, let alone hides things wishing to extinguish that flame. Like the Human Torch, I will be the inferno, I will be an embodiment of happiness, peace and contentment. That tiny fragile candle will have grown in to something inextinguishable, and I will be able to do anything. Including returning to dark room full of shadows, safe in the knowledge that no amount of hidden shadows with fire extinguishers or fire hoses would be able to put me out.
"Flame on!" - The Human Torch