It is hard to complain when you’ve realized you’re sitting in paradise, not only that you’re sitting there, but you can chose to live there as long as you like…
I have not updated in some time, something that I will not let happen again. I’ve realized writing these blog updates was a real part of the getting myself together process, and no longer writing these, or keeping my journal up to date, directly coincides with the time things started to slide out of my control again.
The small routine of writing in my journal, or writing these updates brought to my life a small amount of stability I found comforting. Also, while writing blog or journal entries it helped organise the mess of thoughts, emotions and realisations that run through my head. Getting them out, either in blog or journal format helped first to organise them as I read them back to myself, but also feel like a form of confession. Confession in the religious sense was something I never used to understand, it always felt like a superstitious cop out, and for some I’m sure it is, but I realise it also serves a greater purpose. But that’s not the point of this entry and so is something for another day. So, as I was originally saying, I will not neglect neither the blog or the journal for so long again.
As I mentioned above, since my trip to America and the peace that had started to bring to me, things have slid a little again. Some things I can talk about, unfortunately, as much as I’d love too, other problems I can not, not for the time being at least. Things have not slid completely, far from it, I do not believe they could, but slid they have. Certain aspects of my life, that I really felt were coming together, and really did make me happy, now feel like they are slipping away from me. But I still have hope, whether it be false or otherwise, that those aspects with time will find a way through to the outcome I would like. Those things that I feel are within my power to control, that I feel have slid away from me a little, I am now taking a firm hold of and wrestling back in to line again. Although it does feel a little like trying to wrestle Chicken on a Chain in to line. But updating this blog again, is a part of that that battle royale.
So my point in this post, like I said, as much as I still have problems, troubles, worries, much like the perspective I found in America, I am having a similar realisation here.
Problems, troubles and worries will never completely leave me, I think they are an unavoidable part of life, or an unavoidable part of the kind of life I want. As I come to terms with one aspect of myself or my life, I am sure something else will raise its head and need dealing with, due to the fact, that for the immediate future at least, life will not be… stable. At least not in the sense of buying a place, setting up home, and having those things that, cement us in place. I need to find what it is that makes me feel more complete as an individual first, something I certainly havent achieved to date. Something I feel I have looked to others and external influences for, something I plan on changing.
But, what I am growing to realise, is that I am in an extremely fortunate position in life. Where at the drop of a hat I can change my location for any location I chose. This year alone I have been lucky enough to visit New York for the first time, San Francisco, sit in a cabin on the banks of a river enjoying the natural beauty of Oregon, Bangkok and now find myself on a small island in Thailand. Nothing less than a tropical paradise, sunshine, sandy beaches, blue waters, palm trees, exotic wildlife, surrounded by relaxed friendly and happy people from all walks of life. And I am sure, no I know, this will not be the last place I visit this year. It is likely I will head back to America before the year is out, as well as Canada and if things go the way I hope they will, I will also visit parts of Europe.
Sure, location is not the bee all and end all of life, far from it, but for me at least it seems to be a big part of it, a big part of feeling better with whats happening in my life. Being somewhere new, or somewhere I find to be calming, visually stunning, exciting or inspiring, it at least feels like I am not wasting time, not wasting that 1440 by letting worries about things out of my control, or things that will obviously take time to deal with, sort out, or come to terms with, bring me to a complete halt. A huge part of my problems feel lifted, I feel like I am moving forward. Rather than standing still, or god forbid, moving backward, letting those fears, worries and troubles keep me in place or drag me back to something easier, something that I have wanted to move on from.
I feel like I am not letting fear rule my life, instead I face of those fears and move on anyway. Like I say, the problems never go, you can not run from fears or problems, no matter how far or fast you go they will catch up, not even catch up they just stay with you as you move. But when one of my problems is a fear of not doing enough with the life I am given, letting various fears stop me from moving on, coming somewhere like this makes me feel like I am dealing with at least some of those problems and fears.
To sit where I am, writing this, a small bar down on the beach, crystal clear rich blue waters, sun setting on the horizon, music quietly playing, the sounds of people talking, enjoying their time here. Compared to sitting at a small desk in my, or someone else’s living room, alone, with nothing to look at but the houses opposite and the storm clouds brewing over head. The change in location has a huge effect, obviously, I do not feel like I am wasting away, letting my life run away from me when I have been given the opportunities to do so much with it and I want to do, see and experience so much within this world.
And if nothing else, out of the two locations, which sort of location would I rather face those fears and problems in.
I think we all know the answer to that.
“we’re not lost, we’re locationally challenged.” - John M. Ford.