Friday, April 17, 2009


I struggled with this post, a lot, hence the delay.

I had decided what I had wanted to write by the time I'd finished writing the previous post, i usually have by the time i finish a post. Already, even this early on in the blog, i dont like to deviate from that. I guess it's because it feels like one post leads naturally in to the next, unfolding like a story. But this is not a story, this is an unfolding account of my life, and much like life, things tend to come up, things that just cant be ignored and so plans change, ideas change, posts change. Regardless of whether we like it or not, or it feels like one thing should naturally lead to the next, thats not always the way things are and i think it's important to learn to bend with that. Stay true to yourself and what you want to do, but don't be so rigid in your approach and rules that you end up breaking, bend, flex, so you dont break.

So this will not be the "where it began" post I had planed, that may come next, who knows. Instead it will be what it is, something i'm not quite sure of yet.

First of all i'd like to say a goodbye. One of the sad things that happened, which stopped me in my tracks, a friend from school passed recently. We were no longer close, if we were ever really "close" at school and had only met again recently through facebook. Still it really struck me and I would just like to say my thoughts are with her family and friends. With the very little i did now know her, she will be missed greatly, that i know.

It made me realise just how fragile and short life is, how every second should be treated as a gift, a miracle, and used to its full potential. Not taken for granted, as so many of us do. Something i have most certainly been guilty of for a large part of my life truth be told. Something i plan to no longer let happen.

This year has been a strange one so far, strangest of my life in fact. Last year had a truly miserable end and I was without question at my lowest point. Looking back now, not that I mentioned this to anyone, but worryingly low. I was on the edge of something really really unpleasant, and things were already really really unpleasant, so i dont like to think where i was heading.

Although it would now appear I am slowly but surely turning that around, my concern there, is that is one of the worrying traits of the manic depressive.* Everything seems rosey and great, getting better and better, then without warning BAM! you crash, hard... the opposite equal of the high you were experiencing. So at the moment i am tentatively waiting to see if thats the case. Although between you and me, not that i want to curse things, honestly, it doesn't feel like that.

This doesnt feel like the previous highs, there was something fake, false to most of those. They felt more like lies i was telling myself, to convince myself i was doing ok. Hence why I would crash so hard with the realisation "my" life sucked... or I sucked at least, but back then my life, my lies and myself were one in the same thing... kind of.

This feels different, it feels like I am really leading a life I am meant to be leading, finally pushing my life in the direction its meant to be going. Yes, pushing, it is what I think you have to do to get the life you want, push, hard. Only dead fish go with the flow as they say. You have to swim upstream, the whole way, as the second you stop swimming, that current will take you straight back in to that rut, that current, that was the easy life.

Anyway, back to my point, yes this year has been strange, and yes, up until this year my life sucked, in a lot of ways, certainly not all, but a lot. But, i dont want people to think this blog will just be post after post of misery and woes, as thats not the case. It has dawned on me that it may have looked like it was shaping up that way, but far from it.

This blog is a testament to the fact that my life is turning around. I could never have written this blog before now, as i couldnt admit there were problems. That I was not the kind of person I wanted to be, or that I even liked, that I was not living the kind of life I would want to live. Not even when I admitted there were problems, did i accept that there were and do anything about them. Not even when people pointed out the serious flaws in me and my life did i accept that those people were right (well, some of the time at least). Is the funny thing, knowing you have problems and truly accepting you have problems are very different things.

Anyway, this blog is far from doom and gloom, I will talk about the doom and gloom in my life of course. Equally I will talk about how I am turning that around, what I am changing in myself and my life to be a better person, the sort of person I would like and have a better life, the sort of life I would enjoy. This blog is more a celebration of the turning point, a developing map of the undiscovered country that is my existence going forward. this blog is those positive steps and my understandings, more than it is the history of the miseries that was me and my life to date. As i said, those stories will be told, but only when i fully understand them and so I am in a place to change them.

i will talk as much about the things i have realised and discovered and the ways to correct them to make myself and life better, as i will about the downs and lows i felt and still feel, about myself, my life and the way i lived my life.

So please, do not think this blog will be a running diatribe on me and my existence, it wont be, although it may seem that way at times. Every moan, every complaint, every time i pick holes in myself, these are all realisations and acceptances and only with true realisation and acceptance can there come real change.

Thats what my life is now about and so equally, that is what this blog is about.

I had started to write an additional to this, more that had happened since starting to write the post. I will leave that for another time though, this is more than enough waffle for anyone reading to have to suffer in one sitting.

Until next time

"The golden rule is that there are no golden rules." - George Bernard Shaw

*I am not sure if i mentioned the depression before, but if i havent, i have now, and will talk about that side of my existence in more depth another time

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